


Begin the Lie

by TheGreatCatsby



Series: Online Fan Fic Challenges [5]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: 30 Day AU Challenge, Mental Illness, Self Harm, TW: Blood, TW: Suicide, asylum AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-29
Updated: 2013-08-29
Packaged: 2017-12-25 01:18:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/946915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGreatCatsby/pseuds/TheGreatCatsby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why did he do it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Begin the Lie

**Author's Note:**

> This was part of the 30 day au challenge from Tumblr. I've been transferring a few of the stories to AO3 because they're easier to keep track of. I post way too much on Tumblr and stuff gets buried.

"Why did you attempt suicide?"

Loki stares past Dr. Coulson at the curtained window. Light from the outside pours in, and he knows that it will be a long time before he breathes fresh air again. 

Suicide is a euphemism, he thinks. He slit his wrists from just beneath the hand to the elbow and watched the blood flow ruby red like the color of Thor’s favorite clothes onto the white wall and the white carpet. It could be anyone’s blood, outside of his body. Odin’s blood, Thor’s blood, Jane Foster’s blood. Not the blood of a failure bastard son who was taken in out of pity and never proved to be what his father wanted of him. (It doesn’t matter which father.) 

The blood painted the walls and soaked into the carpet and it was like a work of art, modern art made with blood and tears, and it was the most of himself that Loki had ever put into anything. This was his masterpiece-

And then Thor found him and somehow, he ended up in a cage. 

It seems that they have been working towards this for some time. 

Everyone is terribly disappointed, but Loki expects this. He can’t bring himself to be surprised, or to feel bad. No matter what he’s done, he’s always been a disappointment. Being himself is a disappointment. Being a liar is better. 

Loki remembers restraints and questions and tears (not his own) and anger (his) and kind doctors who could not understand what he meant, analysis aside. And they would analyze him for days and hours, and they will continue to do so for months and pronounce Loki cured because they want Loki to be better so badly that they will settle for a lie. 

And Loki can lie. 

Loki thinks about every time he spiraled into self-loathing and despaired of a future where he would never amount to anything more than a worthless waste, and then a glimmer of hope appeared on the horizon and he clung onto it and thought that maybe, maybe he could become the person everyone wanted him to be and everything would turn out fine and he would be satisfied with himself, only for it to be snatched away by the spiraling pit of self-hatred. Yet no matter how many times the cycle repeated, Loki strove to get out, strove to have some other life and be some better person. 

It was exhausting, and he wanted to let go. Stop caring. Stop. 

And so, his masterpiece. 

"Why did you do it?" Coulson asks softly, pen at the ready, notebook page blank. 

Loki says, “Because it felt like falling.”


End file.
